The Phantom (pain)

“You know your body” the Oncologist said at our last appointment after the chemo treatments had ended.  “If you feel something out of the ordinary contact me immediately.”  That floated about as well as telling a paranoid individual that “really, nobody’s following you around and oh hey, if you see someone following you around you’ll know.” (sigh)

So we joined a health club right after the chemo therapy ended.  Good idea for a number of reasons.  First and foremost was that Marvina and I could use some exercise and maybe shed a pound or twelve or so.  Second, and this is mostly for me, exercising would help me recover my strength and stamina which were both pretty much crushed by the chemo.  I’ll say this, the first few sessions kicked my ass big time.  They still do but not like the noodle legged collapse to the ground way they did after the first couple of workouts.

Somewhere along the way though I became aware of a persistent pain.  Yes, overall my body was complaining about the exercise.  My legs hurt, my shoulders hurt, my arms hurt, heck, I discovered muscles I didn’t know I had as they made their displeasure with my workouts known.  But this pain was different.

For one it was in my back directly over my left kidney.  Coincidentally that’s exactly where the cancer we just treated had reappeared.  No pain on the right side, only the left.  So there I was in a quandary of sorts.  Was this pain the result of exercise or was it something more malevolent?  Should I run to the Oncologist or wait and see if it would go away?  It would you know, go away that is.  Days might go by and I wouldn’t feel it only to have it flare up again.  It had my undivided attention and worry.  Exercise or cancer?

I began monitoring my urine output closely looking for signs.  I’ve a lot of experience now doing that.  Visible blood, as in red, in the urine is a bad thing.  Puss like stuff floating around in it also not so good as was general cloudiness.  But the output pretty much remained clear.

Okay, so I start trying to make note of exactly when the pain comes.  Does it flare up after exercise or is it there before exercise?  I simply couldn’t be sure until my last workout with my trainer.  She had me try some abdominal work and bang, there it was.  I prodded a bit with my fingers and yep, it hurt.  Still, I had worked out on my own the night before so was it spontaneous or the result of the prior evenings workout?  Was I simply overdoing it?

Marvina wrote on her Facebook page that she was certifiably nuts.  Truth be told I think that title rightfully belongs to me.  Maybe I’ve not really lost touch with reality but this inflicted paranoia is driving me up the wall.  Worse yet, it’s driving Marvina up the wall too.  She worries too.  So any little pain I feel causes us both to become alarmed.

I hope this state of mind passes soon.  I feel like the person who feels like they are being followed and watched by mysterious unknown individuals.  No, not the Men-in-Black type, more like the Pain-in-Back ones.  I’d like to be able to sit down and not be able to remember the last time I worried about my health.  I’d really like for Marvina to be able to do that as well.

I suppose that’s wanting too much.  You know, living a “normal” worry free life.  I can understand how having had and fought the same cancer more than once would set anybody’s nerves on end.  I’ve a friend who is fighting her own demon now for the, well, I really don’t know how many times she has.  She’s had what is I suppose a double mastectomy, they just weren’t both removed at the same time.  She lost a lung along the way too and has been through numerous rounds of chemo.  She has told me that she looks at me and thinks there is hope for her own survival.  If I can beat it then so can she.  I encourage this.  It’s an important part of living with cancer, not giving up.  “Live life, enjoy every moment” I tell her.  Don’t worry, you will beat this.  Everything will be okay.

Odd how we can’t seem to listen to our own advice.