No bucket list for me

Had the follow-up appointment with my Oncologist yesterday.  We pretty much went over again what we’d discussed by phone the last time we spoke, namely the results of the CT Scan.  No tumor, nothing else extraordinary stuck out to the Radiologist.  There was one anomaly, what appears to be a cyst on my left kidney.  But a check of previous CT Scans showed that the cyst wasn’t changing in size, shape or density so we’re not going to burn a lot of brain cells worrying about it.  I will need to remember to note the cyst to my Nephrologist the next time I see him.

The Oncologist was very pleased that I had started exercising.  I told him that it felt as though my muscles had atrophied, particularly my leg muscles.  He confirmed that this is one mostly unnoticed side effect of receiving chemo therapy.  It really isn’t the chemo that does it but the resulting drain in energy and stamina.  We, those of us receiving the drugs, slow down without really noticing it.  That’s why it is important to start a good guided, as in with a physical fitness trainer, program of exercise to at least get you back to where you were before the chemo therapy took its toll.

We then had a pragmatic discussion about life in general.  I acknowledged and he didn’t dispute that the cancer might some day come back and that it could then be doom and gloom.  However, with that in mind, I’ve no intention of sitting around waiting for it.  Instead I’m going to live life.  He agreed, although with the caveat that he’s not encouraging me to create a bucket list and ride around on a motorcycle with no helmet.  Instead he suggested a more practical approach.  Be normal.  Go on trips, see things.  Eat well, play well, make the most of every day.  In the end, whether it’s because of cancer or simply because I’ve grown so old that my body gives out, I will have at the very least lived a full and rich life.

I like that thought, living a full and rich life.  Right in the here and now there isn’t anything that is so insignificant that I ignore it.  Whether watching an insect toil away, or studying the beauty of flowers or simply loosing myself while gazing at the love of my life, all good stuff.  Of course there is only so much room in my life for stuff and I feel that, even if it is selfish, I can choose what is important and needs or deserves my attention and what is not important, those things that I’ll just turn my back on and walk away.

Priorities you know.  What is and what isn’t important and right now the important things in my life are those that resonate within me.  My wife and family, our pet cats spoiled rotten as they are, and the overall beauty of the world I live in.

So I’m off to what I think is a good start of this, my second period of remission.  I am a two-time survivor.  I’d prefer not to earn the title of three-time survivor but if that’s what is to be then I guess I will.  But for now I don’t want to think of myself as a survivor.  No, I prefer to think of myself as alive.

And I like that thought.

Alive.